i must be dreaming

I thought I saw Helios in your eyes but perhaps, they were just mirrors for my own.

the devil’s water can be sweet right? is that why I’ve always had the taste for anything that spills out of your mouth? you have lips that are never closed, like a running tap. and I love that about you, though I’ve come to live drowning in all your spit fire fast dialogue. you walk as if life’s a log and you only need to keep the balance to keep going. I know you feel the waves surging inside some days, and just because there’s a cloud on the horizon doesn’t mean you’re going to fall off that log, but even if you do, please fall into my arms. I’ll catch you. I always will. but how many more times can I still see your face? the bubbles are surfacing because I’m running out of air underwater. you’re running through my mind again. could I ever move your heart the same way another does? I’m on a bus again on a route that doesn’t lead me back to my house. I’ll be as quiet as a mouse if you let me stay, another hour, or two more. close your mouth, your words are making my jaw drop again. should I come clean this time? could you act like you love me too for once?

I tuck oceans under my tongue,
swallowing every raging wave
where does unsaid love go?
I apologize again, I do know
the typical ending of such
a pretty, blinding dream
it’s a bit hypocritical though
since I tell all my friends
I don’t see the sun
in your eyes anymore
this abandoned home
has been in shadows
whatever pale light just
a dust of the memory
of being in love
I’m still falling (knees so weak)
every second I spend
on you
but
without you

I see it in books all the time
how that only one, who
gives you purpose
is also the one, who
makes you nervous.
I’d love to confess
my love in verse
but I’m not good
with words.

and I am only digging my own grave six feet under a crying moon when I pretend what I’m doing is writing. this is all dead language. words cannot bring a person back to life. words only work magic if there’s enough love between Life and Death. I could write ‘til my fingertips bled rusty nails meant for shutting myself into my own coffin but God wouldn’t even attend my funeral. is this delusional or diseased??? I don’t know. I’m just petrified and tossing over too much without turning back for a check. I’ll drop to my knees when I meet Jesus, but I might have already met Him once or twice. am I so blind to faith that I can’t bite back my bitter tongue towards a Creator that rose the salty waters? sure, the Bible’s sweet but this is still my dream.

some have their hearts bathed in faith
while others are atheists and just bleed
why would I desperately try to walk away from Hell
when I’ve always been Satan’s favourite magic tale

I’ll be your muse above the abuse.

I WANT UR WINGS TO EMBRACE ME, THE SOFT DOWN OF ITS FEATHERS LEANING ALL THE WAY CLOSE TO MY EAR AND WHISPERING COMFORT A FEATHERED BED CAN NEVER GIVE ME. I WANT UR WORDS TO WRAP MY HEAD UP IN A KISS THAT ONLY TASTES LIKE DEATH AND THE KISSES… I WANT ALL UR WORDS TO KISS MY FOREHEAD AND SEND ME INTO A SLEEP THAT ALLURES ME BETTER THAN DEATH. I WANT UR LUNGS TO GO ON A SUICIDE MISSION FOR ME. I WANT TO BE UR OXYGEN. I WANT THAT GODDAMNED HALO OF URS TO KNEEL ON ITS KNEES AND BEG ME FOR MERCY. I’LL WILLINGLY TIE MY SUNBURNT HEART TO UR FEET SO U’LL RADIATE BRIGHTER, EVEN MORE THAN THE PRINCE OF LIGHT.

BUT. BUT, BUT. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH MY HEART. UR EYES SEND SHIVERS THROUGH IT AND SOMETIMES U’RE SO COLD I CATCH IT AND STAY IN BED FOR WEEKS.

NOT TODAY, THOUGH.

I hope I have enough strength to offer you my world but still be able to stand on my two feet when you don’t offer me yours back.

so wasted on a kind of hope
that gets demons on their knees
& the idea of a God,
who could change the tides
in affairs of men who are never
sorry for their damned sins
thinking everything
was real but it was all just a dream
that slips away too fast,
flings you off an airplane
a thousand down, crashing into
the floors of Hell… my faith
could have reached even
the ceilings of Heaven