i must be dreaming

It would be so much easier if I wanted to stay, if I wanted you to stay, and if my heart would just relent but obviously I don’t want to and so, everything is now reckoned a big, big waste

‘‘I’m surrounded by a sea of people who care for me, but I feel as though I’m drowning ankle deep in loneliness. The empty I feel in my chest barely ripples the surface, making my lips taste like salt because they are the only safety net I have left to catch my tears. And I am not physically having trouble keeping my head above the water so it appears I’m breathing just fine. To them I am fine. I’m happy. Nothing is the matter.’’

“I exist to give you light when he gives you life”

“some people only hang around just to hear you admit you love them.”

I don’t know if I want to be around anymore, but love, don’t let this startle you. I can still feel you all over my gashed up brain, like dark honey over the rents and bruises, but don’t let this unsettle you. one day, I will let go of this dream, and the grip of your words. I will let my sickness float in my head and swim in the sea of forgotten goodbyes. you will see nothing in my eyes, feel nothing from my heart. my palms will be ice cold, or even colder. you will not spin me around like a mindless toy anymore. I should have slept with one eye open at night. you are not a pretty dream, but a nightmare that sores my skull and breaks my bones. you are a curse that intertwines its miseries with the vessels in my lungs, drowning me in an opiated wonderland I can never forget. do you want me around? I cannot decide. if you do, I will let the shimmering silver of your pain dull my senses and cut down all the bridges to my heart. I will survive in a house without the moon and night. I will let the strange light seeping out of you opiate my head, like a narcotic that sings me to a soundless sleep. I will let my head swim and swim and swim… until my lungs shatter and I drown in drowsiness. I will love you until my lungs crumple and my shaking veins collapse. but if you don’t… I don’t know what I’ll do. could a goodbye suffice?

you are not in true love

i. if you want one, I can give you a title. but I don’t want to. what would I call you anyway? an almost? that’s worse than nothing.

ii. you are good at hiding, but I can smell the sins under your skin, the rotting in your ribcage and the wildfires in your skull. I can hear your howling bloody brain gasping for air, burning up from all the stars of your past.

iii I see the wounds on your palms, the cut edge swirling storms of self hatred… hey, it kills me too.

iv. I can feel the gentleness of your breathing, the pain in your palms. please let go of me today.

v. I can taste the sun in my drink. I can taste the rain of your love, mixed with the sweetest of words. finally, I cannot taste the smallest bit of darkness.

vi. I’ve forgotten the overgrown sorrow of your mind, and how it used to spill over my skin and veins. but I’ve not forgotten that look in your eyes when you gushed over the gracefulness of his love, two months before your soft proclaimation of love to me.

vii. you are harrowed by my indifference. my eyes are narrowed at your ignorance.

viii. you say I am beautiful, and this is the most exquisite kind of agony you’ve ever felt.

ix. we are best without each other, without the tormentful crucification by God when we cannot learn to love right.

x. x, marks the spot: the perfect place for a kill. remember the title you wanted? this could be it.

xi. murderer.

xii. you say I am heartless. (but I am not. I am far from it.)

I’ve been callin’ you friend, I might need to give it up

if you don’t mind, I’ll walk that line
stuck on the bridge between us

“You were made to be loved as a whole, and not in parts.”