i must be dreaming

I hope you visit again soon, even if it’s just for a little while

and even if it’s all.. just for fun

‘‘I was always so impressionable when it came to you. I was like a blank piece of paper you could write yourself on, or the perfect little origami square that would fold to the will of your hands, twisting myself inside out to become whatever pleased you. But now you’re gone and the words can’t be erased, the creases won’t come out and I feel torn up and thrown away… I am a paper crane with no wings, a poem with no ending… the discarded story you never cared to finish.
And that was where I made my mistake because I was not created for you; I was born to create something of myself and I am learning that you should never let somebody else become the main character in your story because when they leave, everything stops.
I exist in this world to write my own story… to shape my own destiny. It’s the unexpected plot twist I never saw coming – it’s not all about you… my life is about me.
So I’ll gather my torn and tattered pieces and become something new… The past can’t be erased and I will never be a blank slate again, but I’m beginning to see that as a good thing because for better or worse my past has shaped me… it has made me who I am.
You will always be the pivotal character in a chapter of my life that hurt to close, but it made way for something beautiful because where it goes from here is up to me… I may have been your impressionable piece of paper once, but now I hold the pen… and I’m writing my own happy ending.’’

and if it all comes to a disastrous end, we will forget it all. we will forget the midnights trying to find the moon in somebody else’s eyes, we will forget our craving for somebody else’s sun, and we will forget our need to be loved like this. there are always new ways to be loved, so please rid your face of that doleful look and feel with me today. your voice is a sing-song melancholy and your eyes are so, so heavy with tears. please do not cry anymore, I cannot bear the burden of waiting and waiting, just to walk away from this wreck. every time I pick my head up, I’m going nowhere. goodbyes are easy, it is the aftermath that hurts the most, but we will be alright. we will flourish in the wake of our loss and wake up stronger. this is not the end, just our end.

‘‘You make lists in your head about what you want in a lover, like brown hair and a sweet voice. A sharp mind and a soft heart, a sense of humour that actually makes you laugh like you mean it. This and that. And it’s all bullshit. Because people aren’t lists. And I’ve always wanted to be the person who made someone realize that. I want to come across someone with a list in their head that is nothing like the person I am, and I want to show them what they didn’t even know they were looking for. People who think they know what they want are fooling themselves. Nobody really knows what they want.
 Not until it’s right in front of them.’’

‘‘I hope you know that every time I tell you to get home safe, stay warm, have a good day, or sleep well what I am really saying is I love you. I love you so damn much that it is starting to steal other words meanings.’’

like a comma existing to trip up your speech, like every consonant of a love language whispering death in your ears, like every gust of wind that bursts at you, like everything I’ve ever wanted to say to shock you, like it all matters and like you are the only one who has made me stayed (thank you)

* ironic how the years have passed and we have aged but it still feels like we just met and I can’t help still feeling the same, old way

it should be a spring day yet the leaves have veins that run winter cold blood the fences are beaten down aged from a clock that never stops for a break the sun is falling apart for I cannot learn to love it without thinking of you we had this summer garden together soil so rich but only because parts of us have died here I lost half of myself but you walked away whole for you were always the one with a heart with no sun