i must be dreaming

“because I’m a dreamer, and you’re the sky”

I will swallow the fire and let it burn until there is nothing left of us to love. I will let your words crawl under my skin until they sink deep into my bones and become buried. I rather not have you as a friend if this is all you can be.

s i c k of everything you are, I am and how you treat me

sick of liking

h o l i d a y

maybe it’s the feeling of sitting next to a new deskie. maybe it’s the feeling when your best friend falls in love for the second time and he has stars in his eyes and flowers in his hands and it’s the first time you’ve heard him laugh so loud in a long time. maybe it’s climbing up the roof and almost falling just to count the passing cars trying to fall asleep in each others’ arms. maybe it’s staring into your graying ceilings, imagining a future that shines as brightly as your smile. maybe it’s the new feeling of another ‘first’. maybe it’s the renewed joy of doing something that was once a 'first’. maybe it’s looking into the future in your head when the feeling of wanting to be dead has subsided. maybe it’s this, and maybe it’s that. maybe it’s you.

you are not boundless and this place is not earthless. there are tall, wired iron fences keeping us in, and all our lives we live to say we come from a glimmering milieu that only blazes if we can see our faces in the future. you are suffocated in your brain, trained to think only what God wants you to. there is no room for disasters, for skinship in the sun (baring your heart as if it were not a perilous deed), and for trembling in the rain. you cannot lose, this is a game with hell that goes upwards, a floating prison house that burns you alive. you are trapped in this sunless sky, with no clouds for fantasies and no grass for play, or you’ll pay the price for being a daydreamer. you are alone, and you have to stay inside this box, with a mind that can only captivate the law. love is measurable by the number of death sentences you can take. this is a dreamer’s defeat, a predestined ill fate. there is no turning back. you can only go forward and ascend the stairway to hell.

‘‘But just like this moon I’m staring at that’s going to set in a few hours, our time ended as well. Replaced by the sun, replaced by something more powerful and more brilliant. Replaced by something so strong and stable as opposed to the vulnerability and uncertainty of what came before.

I realized that indeed, we cannot be both, love. We cannot be both the moon and sun. We can only be each other’s moon – only meant to save each other through the darkness, give the other light when he or she needed someone to.

Because remember that time you entered my life?

We were both broken, hurt, ruined by the people we loved the most. We were both out of the idea that love still deserved a chance. But love, we gave it a chance – maybe not as permanent as it should be, but I felt it.

Did you?

Love surged through me the way the moonlight strikes every dark corner in this world. And I felt it. Deep, so deep, that I hadn’t had the chance to stop it.

But we can only be that – temporary – because it was time now for your sun to rise. I see, you have found her already – your sun, the one who’s lighting up your world a thousand times more than the moon did. I haven’t found mine yet, love. I’m not quite sure how. Because I’m still so engrossed with the idea that the sun, like the moon, is still meant to set – maybe taking a longer time than the moon but it still will.

But even when that does not happen, don’t worry, love, it’s fine.

Because now, as I stare at the moon, I realize that it’s time now to bid you goodbye and be my own universe. Not something revolving in just one world and most definitely not something merely depending on someone to light me up.’’

so damned and so invaluable

feel so goddamn crazy

there is a poignant permanence that’s been intertwining itself into my words and I find your eyes to be most abstruse today, glimmering in a light I cannot comprehend. I am so tired, so surfeited with sorrow and exhaustion. you do not care at all.